Fri. Mar 24th, 2023

Elyse Watches The Bachelor with Kraken Rum and CokeThis week is the Hometowns episode of The Bachelor, when our titular “hero” meets the contestant’s’ families. It’s always painfully cringy.

It’s also been a rough week at Chez Elyse. I have the cold from hell and just did a shot of cold medicine to make it through the recap.

Pudding had her annual vet visit and, because she’s a spicy girl, had to wear a muzzle.

Even as she was trying to maim the vet, the vet kept saying, “You’re so pretty though!” Pudding is a healthy 17-year-old, BTW.

Pudding sits on the vet's exam table wearing a black muzzle
“I hate you, mother”

Pudding: Are we watching the show? Put the muzzle back on. At least I can’t see in that thing.

We open with another shot of Zach in the shower. How dull does he have to be that they’re really selling the “he has good hygiene” thing?

First up Zach is in Vermont with Gabi. They start off drilling maple trees for sap. There’s a lot of jokes about Zach sticking his finger into the hole and finding it wet and sticky.

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a cheerleader stares

Then Zach fails to tell the difference between maple syrup and pancake syrup and Gabi is horrified.

Zach and Gabi taste test syrup

They meet Gabi’s family and they have a little Yorkie who barks at Zach. Dogs can sense a douchebag. The dog is wearing a little sweater by the way. I love him.

Gabi’s brother asks to talk to Zach and says he doesn’t want Gabi to come out of this “broken and defeated.” Meanwhile Gabi tells her sister she could be falling in love, but not that she’s in love.

At the end of the date Gabi starts crying because she’s not going to see Zach for a week.

Pudding: So are they tears of joy or…

Next up Zach is in NYC, Ariel’s hometown.

Ariel says “In my mind, there’s all these minions running around.”



A crowd of minions cheer

Ariel takes Zach to a pizza place and to a Jewish deli.

Zach eats a piece of pizza

OMG I would kill for matzo ball soup right now.

She tells Zach that her parents fled the former Soviet Union where they were persecuted for being Jewish. Zach is nervous because she warns him that her brother, Bobby, is very protective of her.

They meet her family at a restaurant. After visiting a bit, Bobby asks to talk to Zach. He asks why Ariel should choose to be with Zach.

“Um,” Zach says.

“Great answer,” says Bobby.

Bobby asks if Zach can really fall in love with someone in such a short period of time. He asks if Zach knows Ariel’s middle name or birthday. Zach does not.


Alexis from Schitt's Creek says ooh burn

I want a show where Bobby and the yorkie in a sweater vet people’s potential romantic partners. I would watch the shit outta that.

In the end, both Ariel’s dad and brother are completely unimpressed with Zach and this “journey.”

Later Ariel tells Zach she’s “definitely” falling for him. He says, “C’mere,” and kisses her.

Pudding: I am generally opposed to dogs, but bring back the yorkie. Let him shred all of Zach’s shoes.

I would knit that dog so many sweaters.

Charity’s hometown of Columbus, Georgia, is next. They meet Charity’s family and friends at an outdoor dinner where Charity says they are going to have a traditional southern spread.

We get a shot of a table covered in amazing food. This episode is making me so hungry, and I can’t even taste anything right now.

Charity tells her friends that she and Zach haven’t said “the L word,” yet, but “we’re on that trajectory.”

Usually by now at least one of the women will have told The Bachelor that they’re in love, so I find it interesting that none of Zach’s contestants have yet.

She also says Zach is emotionally intelligent. Are we watching the same show?

Charity and Zach smile for the camera

Charity’s brother asks Zach where he’s at in the other relationships.

“I’m compartmentalizing everything the best I can,” Zach says.

That sounds super healthy.

Later Charity and Zach go to one of those pop up concerts. They line dance and make out. Charity says, “I’m honestly falling in love [with you].”

Zach says it feels “amazing” to hear that but doesn’t reciprocate.

Finally, we’re in Austin, Texas, which is both Kaity and Zach’s hometown. Kaity just moved to Austin a few weeks ago, and they run errands together getting her household set up.

They assemble a bookshelf together and move a mattress.

Kaity gets emotional telling Zach that he’s going to meet her mom, who raised her as a single parent.

Kaity’s mom, Anne, gets emotional when they walk in. Anne tells the camera that she’s not used to seeing Kaity be so openly affectionate with someone.

Zach and Kaity sit on a sofa

Anne asks Kaity if she’s in love, and says she’s concerned because Zach is still dating three other women. Kaity says she can see herself falling in love with Zach, but doesn’t say she’s in love.

Kaity says if her mom doesn’t see Zach as a good life partner, she’ll have to reconsider her feelings. Anne has put Zach for five minutes so far, BTW.

Zach tells Anne he can 100% see a future with Kaity, but won’t commit to being in love with her.

Later Anne tells Kaity she supports their relationship moving forward.

Kaity tells Zach she’s falling in love with him. He doesn’t say anything back, but they make out.

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Moira Rose rolls her eyes

Cut back to the McMansion where Jesse is waiting for the women to arrive.

Jesse asks Zach if he’s ready for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony.

Zach says, “I don’t know if you’re ever ready for something like this.”


Ariel, Charity, Kaity and Gabi stand in a row

Zach sends Charity home.

They sit on a bench outside the McMansion and Charity cries. “This is hard,” she says.

Zach says he was sick to his stomach all day.

Pudding: GOOD.

That’s it. Are you watching?

By cb2gp