It’s time for The Bacheloreveryone!
I could be doing more fun things, like taxes or getting a pap smear, but Pudding and I are here to serve you!
Pudding: Whatever. Wake me up when this nonsense is done.
We’re in Tallinn, Estonia.
The ladies walk around clapping their hands and yelling, “Where are ya Zach?” like he’s a lost dog.
We learn Greer has covid but is asymptomatic so she’s isolating.
Charity gets a one-on-one date to make up for missing out on her last week.
I really love how the women become friends on this show. When Charity comes out in her date outfit one of them says, “You look awesome in green!” Someone else says, “You smell so good!”
Weirdly, right before the date Kat asks to talk to him before his date with Charity which is kind of odd. It’s probably a set up though because usually the Bachelor doesn’t pick his date up with the other contestants in the room.
After Charity leaves, Brooklyn and Gabi tell her that they don’t think what she did was cool. Kat says she feels attacked.
Click for me
Charity and Zach go for a carriage ride, and then participate in a wife-carrying race. Charity is upside down, face firmly in Zach’s ass.
Then we cut back to the hotel where we’re still litigating whether or not Kat was rude or her feelings were hurt or…
Later, Zach and Charity are served drinks by a guy who I wear is Joel McHale in costume.
During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Charity says her last relationship was emotionally abusive and she never felt seen by her partner. There was also infidelity.
“Yeah,” Zach says.
Pudding: Imagine having to share your trauma with that door knob.
Then Zach says he was in a relationship where he only did what the other person wanted and he didn’t even know what his own favorite music is.
Pudding: Nickelback. You already told us.
Back at the hotel, the next group date card is dropped off. Jess is on it, meaning she’s not getting a one-on-one. She starts crying because she’s the last one to get a one-on-one date.
The next morning Charity talks about her date and makes a reference to Kat stealing Zach before her date.
Kat says she doesn’t want to talk about it before the group date.
Brooklyn says, “Oh, you don’t want to talk about it before the group date? You don’t want to ruin your time with Zach?”
“Why are you being so aggressive?” Kat asks.
“Because you have your head up your ass,” Brooklyn replies.
Click for spoilers
For their date they go to a cottage and meet a Grand Witch who helps heal people. They do rituals to cleanse their energies.
Jess is still struggling with being the last person chosen for a solo date. There’s part of a ritual where she and Zach are holding a candle together and the wind blows it out. She takes it as a sign.
During the cocktail hour, Zach thanks the women for being open-minded about the date he didn’t plan and probably learned about at the exact same time they did.
Gabi says, “He’s a gem. He’s actually a gem.”
Zach has said zero interesting things this entire season.
Pudding: I made something more interesting than Zach in the litter box earlier.
Jess tells Zach that she’s a hopeless romantic and has been “knocked down so many times” and that she’s not as confident as the other women. She says not having a one-on-one isn’t helping.
“That shouldn’t be a factor,” Zach says. “That’s not a thing.”
She says she feels pressure because he hasn’t seen all of her yet.
What do these things even mean?
Zach says he doesn’t want her to feel like this is “a process.”
Fun fact, they aren’t supposed to say process, they’re supposed to say journey. Really.
She says the one-one-one is when women are vulnerable to him.
Zach is frustrated. “I feel so confident in us, and it’s about a one-on-one? What am I missing?”
Pudding: If I hear the words “one-on-one” again, I’m throwing up in a shoe. I don’t even care who it belongs to.
So then, two seconds after he said he felt confident in them, Zach says he’s nervous and not confident.
Jess says she’s not going to “beg” for him.
WTF just happened? Zach did a 180 in half a minute. Apparently Jess feeling insecure and needing some reassurance was too much?
He walks her out. The whole thing is super abrupt and weird. The feeling I get is Zach can’t handle any form of disagreement or tension between him and the women.
Pudding: Well that’s a great sign.
So then it gets weirder.
As he walks back from the limo of tears, Zach says “What the fuck?”
Right, we’re on the same page there, Bud Bud.
Then he tells the other women he had to let Jess go and it was for “a shocking reason,” like she’d been running some kind of underground fight ring in conjunction with the show or something.
Then he tells them he won’t be giving out a rose tonight and they’re all “WTF” and I’m WTF and Zach is WTF, too.
My guess is this just was really poorly edited and there was supposed to be more ramp up to the drama or something, or, more alarmingly, Zach really cannot handle tension in an adult way at all and runs away from it.
Remember Zach fled The Bachelorette after the Fantasy Suite night with Rachel, panicking that she was “inauthentic” with him? He seriously acted like once they were alone she peeled back her own face to reveal a lizard person or something.
Zach has some issues, I’m thinking, and I do not care about watching his “journey” to resolve them.
The next day is the solo date with Ariel. They go to a traditional sauna. They are told that people traditionally go in the sauna in the nude. HAHAHAHA NAKE BODIES ARE FUNNY.
Click for me
They wear swimsuits. Another couple comes in, naked, and they make a whole thing about it.
“Can’t wait for my parents to see this,” Ariel says.
Zach says he’s traumatized.
Jesus Christ. Calm down.
Then Ariel makes some big joke about how the older people are more likely to be naked in the sauna and says, “I feel like I welcomed them. Like mom and dad! Come in!”
So first of all, are all naked bodies funny or just “older” ones? Also this very much a cultural difference and chill out. If it makes you that uncomfortable you can leave.
I hate this part of this franchise where they essentially make another culture out to be weird (like the often do by making them eat non-western foods).
Then Zach and Ariel make out in a random hot tub, and the previous couple comes and joins them (still naked).
During dinner Zach says he likes the “comfortability” he has with Ariel. She gets a pink date.
So then prior to the Dreaded Rose Ceremony, Zach tells the ladies that his interaction with Jess was unexpected and he absolutely feels his person is the room.
Charity asks to talk to Kat. Brooklyn follows them into a side room where Kat is talking to Charity and saying she stands by what she did when she “stole” Zach before Charity’s one-on-one.
Brooklyn asks if she would have done that had it been Jess and not Charity. Kat storms off.
“I’m strong up until a point but I can’t keep getting pushed down,” Kat says.
Click for me
Zach pulls Kat aside and asks if there was tension on the group date. Kat says there wasn’t.
Then after that pointlessness, it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Charity and Ariel have date roses. Everyone else is at risk.
Aly is the one sent home.
Are you watching? What do you think the real deal with Jess is?