Fri. Mar 24th, 2023

Elyse Watches The Bachelor with Kraken Rum and CokeIt’s the most inane night of the week, the one where we watch The Bachelor.

Pudding just got done murdering the bookmark I was using

Pudding: That you thought you were using.

–and is now taking a nap.

My Siamese cat Pudding sits by her pet steps

We open with the contestants flying to the Bahamas to meet Zach. My theory, as you have read before, is that women go on this show not for the Bachelor, but for the international travel, friendship opportunities, and unlimited liquor.

Pudding: That’s still not good enough.

Zach takes a shower outside because of course he fucking does.

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Courtney Cox rolls her eyes

Also the women are now calling Zach, “Zach the snack.”

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A little girl from Toddlers in Tiaras gags

The first one-on-one date is going to Kat. Greer starts crying because she feels like Zach (who absolutely doesn’t plan these dates) doesn’t want to spend time with her. The other women comfort her.

Zach meets Kat by the beach and says, “I’m just a Bahama Papa looking for his Bahama Mama!”


An animated woman from Despicable Me stars

Then Zach hands his sunscreen and asks if he can go on his face. Is there sunscreen that can’t go on your face?

Good job with the SPF protection, though, I guess.

They got out on a yacht and make out a lot. It’s noisy. And boring. Later they go snorkeling.

Cat and Zach sit on the beach.

Back at the resort the other women are goofing around in the pool and 1000% having a better time than Kat.

Also there are a bunch of seagulls and Pudding absolutely wants to murder them.

Anastasia questions what she’s even doing there because she thinks Zach is connecting more with other women.

You’re in a pool, in the Bahamas. That’s what you’re doing there.

It’s 37 degrees and so windy it’s raining sideways here. I’d fake date Zach for a pool and some sunshine right about now. Pudding would float around in a flamingo floaty harassing the seagulls.

At the dinner during which they cannot eat, Kat follows the show format and reveals her personal trauma while sad music plays in the background. She says she and her mom have a strained relationship and she didn’t even live at home for parts of her childhood. She also says she wants a traditional family.

She says she worried that someone like Zach, who had a “healthy” upbringing, won’t want her.

Kat is absolutely gorgeous, a registered nurse, and very funny. Zach is…there.

Pudding: Girl, he doesn’t even deserve your left over kibbles.

Zach says kissing Kat is like two meteors colliding and making a star.

My husband from the other room: THAT’S NOT HOW THAT WORKS.

Somewhere Neil DeGrasse Tyson just full body shuddered.

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Neil Degrasse Tyson makes and I don't know gesture

During the group date they dance on the beach and drink cocktails out of coconuts. There are conch fritters.

Gabi is upset because most of the snacks involve shellfish and she has an allergy. “I literally cannot kiss Zach because he had shellfish.”

I mean, isn’t that the bright side of that allergy? “Oh sorry babe, I’m allergic to you. Gonna just sip my rum here and enjoy the beach.”

Anastasia asks Zach for some alone time, which irritates the other women.

Anastasia listens to Zach drone on

Kylee walks up to them and pulls the “can I steal you for a minute?” (take a shot).

Anastasia asks for another minute. Kylee doesn’t back down. The whole thing is weird and awkward. Kylee says “I don’t want to fight you” by which it’s pretty clear she meant verbally fight, but Anastasia goes around acting like Kylee was going to physically fight her.

It comes up again during the cocktail hour. Kylee complains about it to Zach. She also tells Zach that Anastasia has been bragging about how many Instagram followers she’ll get as a result of being on the show.

Charity later confirms to him that Anastasia did talk about her social media following.

Zach is worried she’s there for the fame and not for him.

Pudding: So guess what…

Zach looks concerned
I have this same expression half the time I’m watching this show

Zach asks to talk to Anastasia and flat out asks her if she’s there for him or for internet fame. She says she’s there for him.

Zach says he needs to go think about it. Anastasia says she’s hurt and doesn’t know why anyone would put doubt in his mind.

Back at the drinking couch, Kylee says she’s the one who told him about the Instagram thing.

This is so pointless.

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a monkey yawns

Later Zach gives the date rose to Ariel. Anastasia screams.

The next day, Brooklyn and Zach ride ATVs for their one-on-one date. Zach is on his fourth Hawaiian shirt of the episode.

During dinner Brooklyn gets emotional and tells Zach she was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for six years. She tells him she thinks her partner would have killed her had she not gotten out of the relationship. She’s shaking while she tells him this and I want to hug her so much. Some of the details of what she endured are hard to hear.

Not to diminish Brooklyn’s story at all, but as she’s telling it Zach is alarmingly sweaty and red. I kind of expected him to pass out.

Guess he never got an answer to the “does the sunscreen go on my face” question.

Rich looks up from his iPad and asks, “Wait, is he okay?”

I think it’s time for Zach to drink some non-alcoholic fluids and take a Benadryl while the women hang out and eat desserts.

The next night it’s time for the Pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party, and Zach starts it off by asking to talk to Anastasia. She tells him again that she’s there for him, not for the social media fame.

Anastasia explains herself to Zach

The next shot we get is Zach leading her to the Limo of Tears.

For some reason, Kylee bursts out crying. “I hate myself,” she says.

The other women comfort her and tell her she did nothing and that people shouldn’t be talking about their social media following after the show.

Pudding: Yes, it is important to maintain the illusion we care about… whatever his name is. The one with the face.

Jess is wearing a lot of body glitter and I’m thinking about how awful that must be to get off in the shower.

Davia hasn’t gotten much time with Zach and starts crying because she feels defeated. It’s worth pointing out that the shooting schedule for this show makes everyone sleep deprived which ramps up emotions.

Kylee is still crying and says she can’t survive another rose ceremony and just wants to go home.

Shit, I am home and I want to go home watching this.

Zach sends Davia and Genevie home.

That’s it for episode four. Are you watching?

By cb2gp