Sat. Mar 25th, 2023

Elyse Watches The Bachelor with Kraken Rum and CokeIt’s Bachelor night everyone!

Pudding is too busy ordering sushi from Door Dash to care.

Pudding: Do I want extra tuna on my spicy tuna roll?


Yes, I do.

Pudding lays in front of an open iPad

We’re in Budapest now.

I couldn’t resist

Hawkeye says you and I remember Budapest very differently

The first one-on-one goes to Kaity. Both Kat and Kaity are blondes with wavy balayaged hair, and I’m having a hard time telling them apart.

They take a funicular to look out over the city.

Kaity and Zach kiss

Zach says he still gets butterflies when he’s around Kaity.

Kaity says, “He’s just like the perfect man. There’s like nothing wrong with him.”

Pudding: Kaity, have you met him?

He’s completely incapable of navigating even minor conflict.

ALSO he waves like he’s a mime fingerpainting:

Zach crouches down and does a little finger wave while grinning like someone who absolutely wants to eat your face

What the fuck IS that?

Also, I would like you to know that I’m having laptop issues so I’m recapping on my husband’s computer and I just tucked that little gem right into his pictures file where I’ll leave it so he can have a fun surprise one day. Love ya, babe.

Back at the hotel, Greer is out of isolation and is referring to herself in the third person. “Where does Greer fit into all of this?” she asks.

Kat reflects that it would be hard for her to get a rose after missing an entire week…because they accomplish so much in an episode? WTF.

Anyway, Kaity-not-Kat and Zach go to the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat. Kaity says he’d make a great dad, this man who can handle zero tension. He flees from conflict and drama, so I feel like he’d do awesome with small children who are known for making rational choices and regulating their emotions.

Kaity and Zach have dinner.  She's wearing an amazing green shirtdress.

Kaity tells Zach that both her dad and her stepdad walked out on her family. Zach is once again alarmingly sweaty. Maybe it’s a thyroid thing?

She gets the (probably damp) pink date.

The next day it’s time for the group date. Kat, Charity, Gabi and Ariel meet Zach at a theater. There’s a mentalist there named Malik who performs some tricks and “reads” their minds.

Malik tells Ariel she’s put up too many layers to protect her heart. Charity cries talking about her past relationship, how she fears heartbreak, and worries Zach will think she’s not ready for a new love.

Malik asks Kat if she ever thought of leaving the show.

“Why are you so emotional?” Malik asks Kat when she starts to tear up.

I would have paid money for her to say, “I’m on my periodMalik.”

I guess the whole point of this weird mentalism date was for the dude to make all the women cry. FUN.

During the cocktail portion of the date, the women are drinking neon pink drinks and I want to know what they are.

Ariel and Zach go sit on a fancy settee where I would absolutely spill my neon pink drink. She tells Zach that she’s of Jewish and Ukrainian heritage.

Ariel tells Zach her dad didn’t want her to go on the show because, “I know what they do there. Orgies. You walk into a room and they will force you to get naked.”

What…what show does he think she’s on?

Some dude says that's not what's gonna happen


So then Charity sits with Zach and tells him she is ready for a relationship and she doesn’t want him to misinterpret her comments from earlier.

Gabi worries her flaws will be too much for Zach. She says she’s a perfectionist and she has a “ADHD brain.”

Later Zach and Gabi hug and he whispers “Oh, you give great hugs. Oh my God.” It’s real weird, y’all.

Zach asks Kat if she’s uncertain. She told the mentalist, “I think so,” when he asked if she wanted Zach to meet her family. He also calls her out on wanting to leave the show at one point.

She tells him she would never walk away from him.

The group date rose goes to Gabi.

The following day, Zach is getting ready for his one-on-one with Brooklyn.

Greer, having tested negative for COVID, shows up at his hotel. Because Zach had COVID too, they haven’t seen each other in three weeks.

Greer tells Zach that she would be happy to introduce him to her family (Hometowns is the next episode). Zach’s voice gets shaky and says he needs to feel 100% confident in the person he gives the hometowns rose to, and he doesn’t feel that with her. Greer starts to cry.

She then talks for awhile, but it’s in a weepy whisper and you cannot make out any of it.


On their date, Zach and Brooklyn ride bikes and then go for a ride in a hot air balloon. Finally they go to a bathhouse.

During their dinner, Brooklyn tells Zach that she was raised by her mom and grandpa. Her dad wasn’t in the picture, so her grandpa filled that role.

Brooklyn and Zach talk over dinner.

Zach wonders if he feels the same confidence in Brooklyn that she does in him, and he asks to step away and catch his breath.

“If I’m not confident, if I’m not sure, who I am to be in [her grandpa’s] house?” he asks.

I would like to point out that Zach is also wearing a burgundy velvet blazer while having this mini crisis.

He tells Brooklyn something isn’t clicking with them. “You do deserve the love I can’t give you,” he tells her.


She starts crying.

Back at the hotel the other women are stunned when a crew member takes Brooklyn’s suitcase.

Then it’s time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Gabi and Kaity have date roses, leaving Charity, Kat and Ariel on the shopping block.

Zach faces the remaining women

He sends Kat home, then he goes and hugs Jesse while crying.

What do you think? Are you watching?

By cb2gp